Raymond Bardan

I had a dream about you last night, Dad. You and I were back at the apartment checking things out since we sold it. We looked around down in the basement and had to leave quickly before the new owner found us (I guess we broke in). We hung out in the back yard. You were your usual quiet, reserved self in your old, beat up jeans and flannel shirt. Tall as ever with your full head of dark hair. Clean shaven in this dream. I remember you so clearly. I wish it were real because I haven't seen you with my real eyes in way too long. Then we heard the voice of a little girl calling "mommy?" From the third floor window. We started walking toward the side of the house and that's where I lose the memory :( 

I miss you Pops. You always knew what to do in any situation whether it be repairing something or just buying a car. Anything. We lost such a valuable resource in you. And a wonderful, great, devoted father who would do anything for us.

I love and miss you so much xoxo 

Hi Dad. You were in my dream last night. It felt so good to spend time with you again. It was you, Mike, Dennis and I at some store. You were your usual self: giving the guy working there a hard time and calling him an asshole. You questioned everything the guy said with an attitude.  The guy just looked at you like you were just a miserable prick. But I think like in real life, he knew it was an act and you had a heart of gold.
I am sure I laughed out loud while I dreamed away. 
It was always such a great feeling to let you lead- wherever we went with you, you would do all the talking and we'd just follow. You always knew what to say and do and I took comfort knowing I was in good hands. 

Another story that comes to mind is when you went to the Toyota dealer on South Maim St to look at Rav4 trucks. The salesman showed you that the new Ravs have touch screen radios and you bitched the guy out because in no time, the screen will be scratched and you wouldn't be able to read the screen at all anymore. You told the guy to stick the radio up his ass. I love how you feared no one or anything and we're always so apologetically you, Pops.

 I am still surprised that you almost bought a Kia Soul. Those ugly little trucks. I can only guess it was to piss people off and make them question you why you bought it. But you didn't buy it because the guy at the Kia dealer refused to let you trade your Camry for it. He told you it was a much better car and he wouldn't allow you to trade it for a Kia. Lol.

I miss you being you, Dad. I've never met anyone else quite like you and I miss you like crazy. I wish I could just hear one more of your stories. Love you so much Dad. It hasn't gotten any easier :(

 

Hi Dad. I just finished watching the Walking Dead. I remembered that time I called you and stayed on the phone for the entire hour during a new episode when I was sick and you were going through chemo and radiation treatment. That was a special day to me. Watching TWD isn't the same without you and never will be but I will tell you all about the shows at the cemetery. Love you Dad. Miss you so much.

I want to call you on your cell phone and hear you sound like I'm bothering you and your grumpy voice. I want to ask for your help so I can hear you get impatient with me when I dont understand what you explained the first time. I want you to help me with something only for you to do it all because you know how to do it right and only the way you know how. I want to ask you for help and you drop what you are doing, ALWAYS. I want you to participate in everything that I do (baseball, hockey, paintball). I want to go over the house and you tell me there are leftovers in the frigerator. I want you to ask me to try a new food you cooked and see you pretend it doesn't matter when I tell you its great- sometimes you would let a smile slip. I want to ask you about something you probably have never done before but you still have a great opinion on it because you have such a good mind for how things work. I want to hear you give store employees a hard time, call them names or be inappropriately rude to them even if you are wrong. I want to hear more stories about how much of a hard time you gave the cable, cell, gas or electric company. I want to hear you complain about Uncle Frank and tell me that you spent 2 hours on the phone with him last night. I want to go out with you, wherever it may be and feel completely safe. I want to go to bed at night and know you are taking care of the cemetery. I want to go to the cemetery and see that path worn in the grass from your footsteps. I want to hear you sing and say little silly phrases or talk to yourself while you work or concentrate or measure or calculate in your head (singing "this old man" or I want to celebrate another Christmas with you. I want to feel what it felt like when you pretended like this family wasn't the most important thing in your world again despite how you tried to be tough. God, I want this so bad. I only wish id win 400 billion dollars and someone tell me that I can trade it in and get my Dad back because that would be the easiest decision id ever have to make in my life. I miss you so much you crusty old bastard.

Another birthday is about to come to an end. The end of a birthday was always so sad to me. Part of the reason was that it was sad to think we only truly celebrated one another and as a family once a year. My family deserves so much more than that. Time flies by. And soon, there will be so much time between current time and the last time I saw you. Can memories last and stand the test of time? Sadly, I just have to find out. Dad, I feel the closest to you when I'm doing things that you taught me. It feels like you are still alive in the work. Like we are together again. I truly feel like you are there someway, somehow. Thank you for that and everything you showed me and taught me and tried to teach me. You are the man and the best, most wonderful father who deserved so much more than you ever got. Happy birthday again! I love you so much and miss you more each day that slips through my grips.